Good morning, beautiful people!!
Earlier this week, while on vacation, I rolled over and grabbed my phone to find that the young lady that I used to mentor had sent me a DM. We started to chat, and the conversation turned to her significant other, which she was creating some distance from for a handful of reasons but has chosen to reconcile with. I informed her that it was hard for me to give her unbiased answers to the questions she was asking–I don’t care for him because of the ways he has treated her in the past and I probably won’t like him until I see an intentional change in his character. Basically, don’t ask me no questions, and I won’t tell you no lies, as the old folk used to say.
But anywho. My parting advice to this young lady before I got started with my vacation plans for the day was “sit down and make a list”.
A few years ago, someone that I know told me that she had an actual list written down with qualities of the person that she wanted to be with. Within that list, she’d checked off non-negotiables as well as things that she would really love him to have but could go without. Inspired, I made a list that night that is on my phone to this day. Her list had led her to marriage–mine has not, but it serves as an excellent litmus test when meeting new people. When you’ve taken the time to write down that you want to spend your life with someone who has stable employment, it’s a lot harder to reason with yourself when you fall head over heels in l…ove (😂) with someone who plays guitar like an angel but busks on the boardwalk downtown. You took the time to write it down, so it must be important. The Bible talks about writing a vision down on tablets so that it someone can take it and run with it. (Habakkuk 2:2-3)
Having the list also provides a editable definition of who we think we want. With the last person I dated, he checked off most of what I had written down–he loved God, used his talents for the kingdom, loved his family, was an active and present father (note: I’m not specifically seeking men with kids, but as the child of a father who to this day is absent more than anything else, I refuse to be with someone who isn’t taking care of their kids. I don’t understand how deadbeat dads have girlfriends.). And on and on—but he was also non-communicative. He wasn’t consistent. He didn’t pursue hard conversations, particularly about us. And he let his preconceived notions of “what women need” direct his behavior instead of checking with me. So now, I have new things to add.
As you can see, the conversation ended with me having an epiphany of my own. 2019 has been a difficult year for friends, over here. Almost every month, I’ve found myself rocked by issues and conflicts and ends that I could not have forecasted at this point last year…ranging from people that I didn’t chalk up to being good friends who thought they had more meaning to people that I thought would be around forever who won’t be. But as I sat and messaged my former mentee back and forth, the idea began to take shape that if we make lists for significant others, why not friends? For me, right now, my students and my friends ARE my greatest ministry. I don’t have a husbae or even a husbae in training (at least not that I know of—feel free to surprise me, Lord!) How I am in the classroom and the kind of person that I am with my friends is what determines what else I get to steward. These relationships are currently what define me, what refine me, and what teach me standards, patience, and new ways to love. This is of heavenly importance, so it is crucial that I have a list for them as well so that I know when someone fits the bill. This is the current iteration, and there’s nothing to say that this won’t change:
This list is born of good times, heartache, lessons, successes and trials. I’m excited to keep adding and removing and trusting the process. I’d encourage you to make a list for any area that you are casting vision and see what blooms! Share these lists if you like!!